Sex in Hi-Def
Last week we completed our five week series, Sex in High Def. During the series we attempted to bring the bed back into the church and the church back into the bed. After all, God is not silent on the subject, so why should we be? Of course, there are plenty of arguments against tackling such a topic in a church setting, but as a staff we were intentional about bringing solid principles to the table and avoiding aspects of the topic that would be overtly offensive. That doesn't mean that no one was offended, offending no one is nearly impossible, and if you are successfull at it, you generally haven't said anything of any substance at all. The thing about truth is that it is offensive.
The whole subject of sex makes many nervous, and that's understandable. There is something within our culture that makes conversations about the subject off limits in certain contexts. I mean it isn't as if people don't do it. It's just that they don't like to talk about it in certain settings. Church is one of those places, but there are plenty of others. More often then not, people don't like to talk about sex in mixed company — whether we're talking men and women or adults and children. I've heard people blame this awkward response to the topic of sex on things like "America's puritanical roots." And perhaps that is part of it.
The very power of the sexual act is such that it really does carry a lot of weight, even when you are just talking about it. I believe you can actually damage a child's innocence by exposing them to even certain discussions about sexuality. My dad tells a story about a time our family was at Disneyland and some people standing in front of us in one of those interminable lines began talking openly, and rather loudly, about certain sexual practices. You know how people get when they want other people to hear the conversation they're having with someone else because they think that what they have to say is important for the whole world to hear? That was the scene.
Now, there is just something wrong about talking in raised tones (and perhaps any tones at all) about such a subject when there are children around. We intuitively know this (or at least some of us do). And so there is no doubt that there certainly is a time and a place to raise the conversation. Oh, and to finish the story, dad gave the guy a piece of his mind and reminded him of the setting he was in.
But the recognition that the topic must be approached with some respect for your surroundings, does not mean that it should not be broached at all. I think this is the tragic mistake that many of us make. Because we are uncomfortable talking about sex in certain contexts, we end up acting like it doesn't exist, or perhaps even worse, we end up acting like it is something you are not supposed to talk about. What this does to our children is communicate a twisted message about the nature of sex.
I mean even for those good Christian families (you know who I'm talking about, "the perfects"), whose kids get married with the great blessing of virginity (and it IS an incredible, wonderful thing to do so), if we have done a poor job of communicating to them about the fact of their sexuality along the way, how can we expect them to have a healthy understanding of the role sex plays in their marriage? It's like ignoring the existence of something for twenty or so years and then one day turning around and telling them that it is a vital part of who they are and that if they don't work really hard at it then it could severly affect their marriage.
I just think it's very sad that parents don't teach their kids about sex and sexuality in a straightforward, innocent, and healthy way. Many parents won't talk about the subject at all and then expect that one conversation when their child turns 12 or 13 is going to take care of the matter. It's actually very cruel.
If it is true that God created us as sexual beings (our gender defines us in so many ways and is inextricably wrapped up in our identity), then shoudln't we teach our kids about this vital part of who they are? Yes, do it appropriately. There's no need to talk to your three or four year old in detail about the sexual act, but you can certainly be talking to them about their "special parts" and how they are to be protected. Then as they get a little older, actually tell them that babies come from mom and dad when they put these "special parts" together in the incredibly wonderful way that God has given us to procreate and enjoy each other. It doesn't have to be weird, strained, or forced. Just answer their questions at the level they are at.
But for our kids' sake, start the conversation and normalize the subject. Wouldn't you rather have them get their information from you then from their friends, or, God forbid, the internet?
The whole subject of sex makes many nervous, and that's understandable. There is something within our culture that makes conversations about the subject off limits in certain contexts. I mean it isn't as if people don't do it. It's just that they don't like to talk about it in certain settings. Church is one of those places, but there are plenty of others. More often then not, people don't like to talk about sex in mixed company — whether we're talking men and women or adults and children. I've heard people blame this awkward response to the topic of sex on things like "America's puritanical roots." And perhaps that is part of it.
The very power of the sexual act is such that it really does carry a lot of weight, even when you are just talking about it. I believe you can actually damage a child's innocence by exposing them to even certain discussions about sexuality. My dad tells a story about a time our family was at Disneyland and some people standing in front of us in one of those interminable lines began talking openly, and rather loudly, about certain sexual practices. You know how people get when they want other people to hear the conversation they're having with someone else because they think that what they have to say is important for the whole world to hear? That was the scene.
Now, there is just something wrong about talking in raised tones (and perhaps any tones at all) about such a subject when there are children around. We intuitively know this (or at least some of us do). And so there is no doubt that there certainly is a time and a place to raise the conversation. Oh, and to finish the story, dad gave the guy a piece of his mind and reminded him of the setting he was in.
But the recognition that the topic must be approached with some respect for your surroundings, does not mean that it should not be broached at all. I think this is the tragic mistake that many of us make. Because we are uncomfortable talking about sex in certain contexts, we end up acting like it doesn't exist, or perhaps even worse, we end up acting like it is something you are not supposed to talk about. What this does to our children is communicate a twisted message about the nature of sex.
I mean even for those good Christian families (you know who I'm talking about, "the perfects"), whose kids get married with the great blessing of virginity (and it IS an incredible, wonderful thing to do so), if we have done a poor job of communicating to them about the fact of their sexuality along the way, how can we expect them to have a healthy understanding of the role sex plays in their marriage? It's like ignoring the existence of something for twenty or so years and then one day turning around and telling them that it is a vital part of who they are and that if they don't work really hard at it then it could severly affect their marriage.
I just think it's very sad that parents don't teach their kids about sex and sexuality in a straightforward, innocent, and healthy way. Many parents won't talk about the subject at all and then expect that one conversation when their child turns 12 or 13 is going to take care of the matter. It's actually very cruel.
If it is true that God created us as sexual beings (our gender defines us in so many ways and is inextricably wrapped up in our identity), then shoudln't we teach our kids about this vital part of who they are? Yes, do it appropriately. There's no need to talk to your three or four year old in detail about the sexual act, but you can certainly be talking to them about their "special parts" and how they are to be protected. Then as they get a little older, actually tell them that babies come from mom and dad when they put these "special parts" together in the incredibly wonderful way that God has given us to procreate and enjoy each other. It doesn't have to be weird, strained, or forced. Just answer their questions at the level they are at.
But for our kids' sake, start the conversation and normalize the subject. Wouldn't you rather have them get their information from you then from their friends, or, God forbid, the internet?
posted by Andrew Cromwell at
10:27 AM
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